40 things I don't want to do before I am 40
30th March, 2008
People keep recommending the webblog 40 things to do before I am 40 to me, and it is well worth a little mooch for a few hours or so - But, I think I shall create a list of things that I don't want to do before I am 40.
See how anarchic and subversive I can be!
So. In no particular order I shall free associate my top 40 things that I don't want to do.
1.Marry Peter Stringfellow
2.Pee my pants during a public reading
3.Swing
4.Pick up disconnected limbs of my kitten from the curb after a hit and run calamity
5.Be slapped with an injunction for stalking Alanis
6.Watch any more Dexter...so dull so quickly!
7.Get any more middle aged spread. This much is just about enough folks.
8.Start wearing more and more foundation to cover my wrinkly lined face until I look like I've been dipped in emulsion.
8.Be the subject of a works disciplinary
9. Get into a fight with Amy Winehouse
10. Identify the body of a friend or family member - including Bonus and/or Billie
11. Realise that my mortgage is now larger than the worth of my house
12. Go to a school reunion or any reunion...there are reasons why people don't keep in touch you know...
13. Need more therapy
14. Have seven rounds of IVF and empty out my whole bank account and still not have a bleedin kid!
15.Vote Tory or UKIP
16. Go Bankrupt
17. Vote BNP
18. Vote????? Sorry Ms Pankhurst - but there's noone to vote for anymore.
19. Start believing in aliens and in Tom Cruise
20. Stand between Shakira and Beyonce in a photo shoot
21. Become the poster girl for writers who have sold less than five copies.
22. Win that worst sex scene in a novel competition.
23. Pee my pants whilst collecting The Orange Prize.
24. Or The Whitbread.
25. Wouldn't mind so much with The Booker...I'd be like - 'I won, who cares about the urine on my dress!'
26. Really irritate Mariella Frostrop when choosing My Good Read. (I *heart* Mariella)
27. Pose on the cover of FHM in my underwear! You might all want to put that on your things you don't want to see ever lists...
28. Be delayed for more than two hours in an airport...hate waiting, just hate it!
29. Have a review of my novel where someone says I write like Paris Hilton might.
30. Go on Mastermind - or any TV quiz show. I already know I'm an idiot - I don't need to share that with John Humphrys.
31. Have the sh*t kicked out of me - or be stabbed - or shot actually
32. Get food poisoning and spend days vomiting and the other one...
33. Have any kind of tumor/growth/shadow/cancer anything. Or anyone else in the world..can I have that?
34. Be a total twat when meeting people I admire...then go home and self flaggelate...
35. Sit a table in Borders with a big pile of books to sell and sign and have not one person come over - or if one person does it is just to ask me which way to the toilet.
36. Go on a reality TV show.
37.Be the only person on earth who can save the planet from an intergalatic force - I'd be rubbish as a superhero - I mean I struggle as an adequate human being.
38. Be in a train crash/car crash/plane crash
39. Forget to tell my Mum that I love her.
40. Have people say to me - 'Oh I thought you'd look like the chick on the cover, but you're like really old innit.'
Yep...if those things don't happen then all will be cool!
Roz xx